Freestyle

Posted on by Fireborn Eli

Like many others my poetry comes from deep down. It’s how I expressed my emotions. Writing helped me through some tough times and helped ease the tightness in my throat.

I used to write and sketch all the time. The words I wanted to get out would keep me up at night. I’d like to think that I’ve matures and grown more confident and that’s why I don’t write anymore. But I was so angry today at one point that I just had to pull over and write like I used to.
Freestyled it.

I mended my fractured soul
bit by bit
painstakingly stitch by stitch
holding it together
letting no one see the rips.
Swallowing and forcing down
every nasty memory
even though it was choking me.

I turned sleepless nights of unraveling seams into endless art and sketched dreams.
Replacing every doubt and pessimistic thought with rhyme and reason and foolish hope.
Molding myself refusing to let them see me fall.
Every moment when I wanted an end;
I gathered the pieces of this fractured soul and began to mend.
I turned it around from feelings of nothing to wanting it all.
I may bend
but I will not let them break this mended soul!

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We matter

Posted on by Fireborn Eli

Had to take a cultural diversity training today. Some of my coworkers were surprised that I had experienced micro aggressions. Wonder how they would react if they knew the racism and prejudice that I have had to face. People trying to put me in a box and not being able to wrap their minds around the fact that I am not a walking stereotype.

My experience is one of trying to find the balance between two cultures. And not fully fitting into either. I constantly have to define myself.

Kujichagulia
To define ourselves, name ourselves, create for ourselves and speak for ourselves.

I wrote a very angry poem in 1999 that began with those words. But i don’t wish to share it or continue to hold that anger paired with this principle because I now recognize that the principles of Kwanzaa come from a place of peace, hope & community.

Now I am not Black American nor can I speak from the Black experience. But the most important lesson I learned from this training today is that instead of focusing on our differences we need to embrace our similarities.  All of those in the training today came from very different cultural backgrounds and experiences. ALL of us were raised to respect each other. And if you break down every argument, every side, every protest…..what you will find is a cry for respect!

WE MATTER!!

Thin Line

Posted on by Fireborn Eli

Struggling with some feelings this week. I want to write but i can’t get my thoughts straight so i looked through my poem book for inspiration and reflection. 

I’ll probably be working through these feelings in the next couple weeks via this blog.

Here’s to the anger that i’ve been feeling lately. 

Thin Line

Only God knows why
I write this on the verge of tears.
Wait.
I want to cry out but my lips are sealed.
Only God knows why I write this on the verge of rage.
Listen.
I want to lash out  but I can’t escape this cage.

Only God knows why I write this on the verge of agony.
Now.
I want to end my suffering but then that would end the story.

Only God knows why I write this on the verge of screaming. 
Hey.
I want to let it all out but then they will see my demons.

Only God know why I finish this on the verge of relief.
No.
I want peace but I won’t find it until I am freed.

1/10/2000

#truth
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#tbt Perception & Reality

Posted on by Fireborn Eli

I have been helping a friend through a breakup and sharing some of my experiences with her. I think I’ve learned something through every relationship and every crush. I have plenty of poetry about heartbreak.

This next one is not one of them.

Perception or Reality
I look back at what has come to be of this relationship between you and me.
Stemming out of nothing
and then unraveling at the seams.
Things fall apart
and so did we.
But there is certainly no negativity
and no animosity.
It’s  just the way things have to be.

But now I’ve had time to think about it, joke about it and analyze it.
(Because I could never cry about it).
My final realization is summed up in this declaration:
You weren’t man enough to deal with this womanly possession.
Need clarification?
It’s perception turned reality.
You perceived me as a woman therefore you pursued me.
I thought you were a man and let you you seduce me.
My perception was distorted but then I saw reality.
I was too much of a woman and you weren’t man enough for me.

Eli 1999

#truth
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#tbt Elastic Heart

Posted on by Fireborn Eli

#tbt: Elastic ♡

The words come out of your mouth and tumble onto my soul
Like ninja stars with poison tips causing hollowness.
I don’t have time to wince.
Gilette against my wrist
Your words slice just deep enough.
Your words hurt and burn
Not like a slap in the face
Not anymore anyway.
But like cold seeping in
Destroying from within

Eli. 2004

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

“Well I’ve got thick skin and an elastic heart, but your blade it might be too sharp. I’m like a rubber band until you pull too hard, I may snap and I move fast but you won’t  see me fall apart ’cause I’ve got an elastic heart.”
“Elastic Heart” by Sia

#truth
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Upgrade: Kick Rocks!

Posted on by Fireborn Eli

Lots of talk on social media and around the water cooler about resolutions and expectations this year. I’ve noticed a lot of people reevaluating  their relationships and making resolutions to start cutting people out of their lives. (Campaigning against the haters.) Deep down we may not care what everyone thinks but we certainly care about how some people see us.

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I’ve struggled with this concept for years. In one area of my life I have the people who care for me, support me, show pride in me, cheer me on and recognize my worth. In another area I have just as many people who simply don’t get me. These are the people who don’t agree with the choices I have made in my life. These are the people who cannot reconcile their narrow views with the person I represent. These people will probably never see me as the successsful, funny,  intelligent and strong woman that I am. I look in the mirror and I am proud of myself.

So am I cutting people off in the new year? Damn right I should. Not necessarily. I’m a firm believer that you cannot change people but you can change how you respond to them and the amount of influence they have on you.

So while I may not tell [some] people to kick rocks I will separate myself from their negativity. All I can do is stay true to myself and live this life on my terms.

And whoever’s not with it can kick rocks!!

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#truth
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#tbt Hater

Posted on by Fireborn Eli

You hate me
Meet with the witch to mix your potions.
Incantations, candles & all that hocus pocus.
Don’t realize that the envious smoke blinds your eyes.
Pray for destruction ’til it bounces off the skies.
Bitter jealousy with every breath.
Spitting poison with every word & every lie.
Sign your soul off to the Devil just to see me die.
You waste your time.

So hate me.

6/99

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#truth
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Update: No resolutions

Posted on by Fireborn Eli

I woke up with confetti in my hair.

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And although I don’t do New Year’s
Resolutions I have nothing against them. I’m not making any resolutions this year. I’m making promises.

I promise to wake up to more days with confetti in my hair in 2015. (Hey at least once)

I promise to have more fun with my husband & kids and push my extended family to do so as well. No more stuffy dinner parties like it’s just a random Sunday dinner.

No gym membership for me but I promise to eat better, exercise and have dance parties with my kids.

I promise to spend more time with people whose company I enjoy.

I promise to schedule vacation time this year.

I promise to continue working on becoming a better me.

Happy New Year everyone! May 2015 be full of good things for all of you and thank you for supporting my journey.

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#truth
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My Christmas Carol

Posted on by Fireborn Eli

Days of Christmas past:
Dinner with the family and whatever aunt/uncle/cousin was living with us at the time. Huge party at my aunt’s house one floor below. Kids in the bedroom & the adults drinking and dancing in the living room.

Days of Christmas present:
Dinner with the family of course. Recently we started doing a Secret Santa and gag gifts. This year we’re playing Cutthroat Santa. Some folks aren’t into the idea but too bad- my house my choice. Handmade snowflake ornaments made of wrapping paper and I’ve started to collect Lemax buildings & figures for a Christmas village.

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Days of Christmas future:
I still dream of a magical christmas. Every year I try to get into the spirit of the season and people’s constant bah humbug attitude drags me down.  I want my children to have all the wonderful experiences of childhood I never had. Next year I plan to build a display for my village, take the kids to a show, take a family portrait, learn to make my own coquito, make a gingerbread house and actually mail some Christmas cards on time.
😉

“What is Christmas? It is tenderness for the past, courage for the present, hope for the future. It is a fervent wish that every cup may overflow with blessings rich and eternal, and that every path may lead to peace.”
~ Agnes M. Pahro

Happy Holidays!
#truth
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